I believe I can write my own story

I believe I can write my story. I get to choose what kind of life I get to live. I choose what kind of story I want to be a part of.

At some point I was depressed, devastated. I heard someone talk today about vision and dreams. A psalm in the Bible says that I should rejoice in God and he will make sure my dreams, those desires that are in my heart are fully accomplished.

The vision for my life then comes in the question. What is it? What do I want to accomplish in 5 or 10 years? Who do I want to be in 10 years. What kind of husband, boyfriend, dad, man do I want to be? These questions might put anyone in check and the mundane answer would be that these questions take youth from us, but at this point, I really want to grow.

I want to be a man of honor. I want to have full control of my body and my mind. I want to keep my promises and fight for what is good. I want honorable causes and true motives. Purity in heart and mind and soul, love for the broken ones and compassion for those in need. Loyalty that surpasses words and passion for beauty. I want to make my wife more beautiful because she is with me. I want her to be adorned with jewels of grace and virtue and her eyes be filled with compassion for all. I want my children to grow in the ways of God and be passionate about things. I want them to find their dreams and pursue them. I want them to learn to earn their bread and appreciate the glory of an earned rest day.

I want God to be my universe, the first thing that starts my day and the last thought I have before going to rest. I want Him to guide my path and light my way guiding my steps. I want to see the ghostly figure out at sea that no one can recognize but I can tell it’s my master and so I’d walk upon the waves of faith for in his arms I am safe.

I want to write the kind of story where I get the girl after many years. Like Forrest with Jenny, like Lloyd Dobler to Diane Court, like Finn to Stella (the movie version, from which this quote I find amazing: I did it! I did it! I am a wild success! I sold ‘em all, all my paintings. You don’t have to be embarrassed by me anymore, I’m rich! Isn’t that what you wanted, aren’t we happy now. Don’t you understand, that everything I do, I do it for you. Anything, that might be special in me, is you.

That kind of abandonment. That kind of becoming. The shiny armor knight that rescues the beauty, it’s corny by now, but that myth, the mysticism of such a longing branded in our hearts, though hindered, remains burning inside.

But first, God needs to deal with me. Here’s what he’s doing. It’s in Jeremiah 18: “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” 3 So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. 4 But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over.

 5 Then the Lord gave me this message: 6 “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.

 

To be crushed hurts.

Memories of Carrot Cake

I was looking for my laptop’s warranty because I’m trying to sell it. While I was away my mom sort of came in and fixed my closet and now I can’t find it. We’ve heard this story before.

Anyway, as I did this, she said she might’ve put it inside a box, I have 3 in my room. One of them is filled with letters and stuff I kept as memories probably since I was 15. It used to be more stuff but I gave tons of letters from my first love to another friend because I wanted to bury her and leave her behind.
Anyway, besides the letters, which are obviously mainly from girls, I wasn’t so interested in those, not only because I’m not interested in them anymore, but because I found friend’s letters and cards instead.

I found Christmas cards from Arizona, photographs, plane tickets… since 2004, remembering that sunny morning I helped the Ortiz family move to their new home and tasting for the first time hawaiian rolls, which, coincidentally, have been the best sandwiches I’ve ever had.

I found a letter from K’s mom, a card from her, a book, I remember how not long ago everything was so perfect, feeling everything in place after a miserable year, partly because I complained of everything, but having a wonderful girlfriend, a family that cared for you, K’s mom embrace and caring for me was just what I needed to wake up from my latest numbness, and remembering how much she genuinely cares makes a big difference.
I noticed how many times I used to word ‘care’. In the context I used it it referred to the kind of attention you give to someone who is in need, or simply attention. That’s where we use ‘taking care of’. The care I write of, in its rawest form, is the kind that makes it that whatever happens to the person you care for, matters, it makes a difference.
A nurse is taking care of a patient, but whether he’s married of he recently go fired makes no difference to the nurse at all, even though she or he is caring for him.

K’s mom cares. What happens to me matters to her. I don’t think her life will be destroyed if mine is, but it would certainly hurt her. I believe she’s possibly the smartest or one of the smartest women I have ever met and I admire her a lot. She’s compassionate and makes you feel special, yet the kind of special you feel when you know you don’t deserve her attention, her love, her cooking and her carrot cakes, yet she’s humble enough to relieve it.

Every season of my life God has put someone, typically a woman, to keep me in check. Before it was M from Arizona and I’m still in touch with her. This time it was K’s mom and I will never forget her sense of humour, her “ok’s” and her weird texan words. She has very funny accent and is the best baker I know. Her signature cake is the best and everyone in the world needs to have a taste of it so life is better, even if its as a long as the slice lasts.

I could write on and on about her, but then it will seem freaky and will seem like the thing was with her rather than her daughter, so I’ll just stop here.

She’s  the best though, and I miss her.

An Incomplete Thought

Could it be me? Could it be that we are mostly, at least at some subconscious degree, not really excited about heaven. Do we understand eternal life, mainly as the most desirable alternative instead of hell. We don’t want to die, most of us, certainly, enjoy life with all its ups and downs, and thinking it might dead end is an idea simply unbearable. The eternal life then that God promises us becomes in us the hope of staying alive, the hope of not going to hell, the hope of extending the our existence, this time, eternally.

Our interest in eternal life shifts from the indescribable of God’s constant breathing living presence, to a human desire not do die.

Churches don’t make it any easier. We get the idea that heaven will be a Sunday worship service that lasts forever. Inside we wonder if that is all what God came to offer. Inside, I wonder, do I really want to do that? What’s the alternative? Being tortured forever and ever, wishing I was dead but death will never hit me? I guess I can deal with the first option.

Maybe we are never that honest or shameless when we think of it. Maybe I’m the only one who has had such questions, perhaps never as blunt but just the doubt and hesitation that we might not really be passionate about what God offers, but it sure sounds better than the alternative.

Questions unanswered

People like me make a lot of questions. People like me need to find the right answer for everything. To some of these questions, most, I have an opinion, usually founded on first hand experience, although, I do agree that the mind is a tricky one and easily deceived, so I cannot make science of what I’ve seen. Just the same, these questions I submit only as food for thought. They are not new questions or anything and solving them doesn’t seem like a matter to be solved by us humans.

Is the world entirely predestined, and if so, how much fair responsibility do we really carry over stuff we do but we have no control over?

Does it make sense to be held guilty over stuff we didn’t decide to do in the first place?

Is there such things as miracles, spectacular, instantaneous ones?

If so, why haven’t we ever seen an amputee grow a leg or an arm back?

Is there such thing as miracle men today?

How do we make sense of the exactitude of science when it comes to the age of the earth, and the Bible, which isn’t intended to be a science book, giving hints of a completely different age.

How do we really deal with the ugly stuff going on? How do we remain consistent with what Scriptures say against what the world is going through? I talk specifically about something I mentioned before, the case of El Salvador. A Christian nation, making all abortions illegal, consistently with Scripture, and there’s hundreds of women now serving over 30 years in prison for abortion, while the world sees how christian morals create suffering.

There’s more questions I’m sure, but as few as they are, it’s late and I can’t think of more for now. I’ll add more later.

Intentional

Life happens whether we want it or not. Trying to be simplistic, you could summarize life as events and time happening in agreement and conjunction .  Time is completely independent to what we do. Time just is. There is no way to make it go faster or slower,  we can’t go back or fast forward, pause it or even see a replay. Events however, sometimes, we can do something about.

The reason why I point something so obvious, and risking making this thing annoying, is because of two things that have come to my attention about myself:

1. Life has been happening to me. I’m not intentional about it really.
2.  I’ve managed to make life about myself, which is quite easy.

See, the thing is this, I read this really cool thing in Isaiah 44 about this carpenter guy who plants trees that he cuts later and he bakes bread from it, makes fire with it and all is good until here, however, right after this, Isaiah points out that he only uses half of it. The other half he used to make idols.
In a latter verse Isaiah says in disbelief ‘Has no one noticed?!’ (this includes myself)

I know I am extremely gifted. Numerous talents have been given to me, and I don’t say it as a brag (not anymore at least, since it has also been pointed out to me that I am more transparent than I think), but I say it mostly as a sentence that I hope makes it clear a much higher responsibility comes with it, and with it, the risk of messing up, and well, basically, it’s humbling. You know, the whole talents parable thing.
Anyway, these gifts are the wood that this carpenter has. They’ve been given to me to be used for God, to glorify Him, to extend his kingdom, to bring His peace to people, to lead people into God’s wild presence… that’s the good use that the carpenter gives. Talking specifically of musical gifts, especially the worship leading one, which is essentially a spotlight, it never dawned to me, or perhaps I was more like ignoring it, that as much as I convinced myself that I did it for the people to encounter God, at the same time I did it because I felt good. I mean, there is nothing wrong with feeling good with delivering 5 or 6 songs that sound great. There is nothing wrong with knowing that what you’re doing actually sounds good, but a little bit of conviction if you will came when I realized that I made it about myself.
The thing about worship leading is that the people who you lead, not only in the band but also in the crowd, the church, might never notice. It is easy to say the right things that will ‘enhance’ the worship experience, and it is somewhat easy to sort of manipulate the moments that will make it easier for the people to just let go and encounter God on their own. I mean, God will do what he wants regardless of my stupidity, but it shouldn’t be like that.

Worship, encountering God, facing Him in His holy ground, the kind of worship that Solomon had when he dedicated the temple and a cloud, filled with God’s presence, assaulted all the people gathered there… lately it’s been calling me. I never had a lot of chances to do it in Mexico, partly because my brother is just better at it and it’s pointless for me to do it if he’s there, but secondly, my reputation there is badly and sadly tainted. People are just not going to respond. I’ve earned that though.

Anyway, the point is, and I know I stopped talking about intentional living is this. This whole Tabula Rasa thing is kinda cool. I’m not depressed anymore, I’m more concious about God, I’m finally getting this hunger for Him and I love it. I forgot how that felt. I forgot the sense of doing the right thing. I forgot what it felt like to be actually in the right tune.
The thing with God is this, and I was also reminded of this. Rather than a message of repentance or morals, in his life, Jesus focused more on life. He said that He came to give life and life abundantly. The woman of the well, with all of her issues, sins and all of that, Jesus, instead of dealing with the moral problem, with the sin, focused in the life, He focused in that part inside of her that went wrong. He spoke about her thirst, her desire. She was talking about natural thirst but Jesus meant her spiritual thirst. Water, life, get it?

Living life then gets a rather different approach in this context. God did not go through all the problems He went to to get us at peace with him so we wished we were in heaven cause then it’s all gonna be happiness. Without giving a self serving message, I am inclined to think that the whole point of living here is not only that we might do ministry, but that we might know Him, know who we are, change people, touch their hearts, touch God’s heart, work alongside with angels and well, live life abundantly.
Life takes a bigger meaning when I think of it not as the pre-heaven experience, which it is, but as what it is, a life that deserved to be lived. Can you tell I’m not depressed?

I still don’t know what God has for me, don’t think I have it all figured out, but for now, I’m ok not knowing. I’ll just do what I’m supposed be doing after Jesus said ‘Follow me’.

It finally sounds good.

Tabula Rasa

(Latin: scraped tablet or clean slate)

The easy choice is to give up on God. The easy way out is to forget things and move on with life. The optimists say whenever you say you’ve ‘lost it all’, they tell you you still have a family, friends, health, the stuff that really matters. True, but that only serves the purpose of staying sane enough.
When you ‘lose it all’ you mean it like you’ve lost all that is vital to you. The things that are naturally vital we take for granted, such as food, breathing and health. My case being naturally healthy, not born with any sicknesses or anything weird like that, I take health as something that is there, and being sick is more an event, very unusual.
But when you talk about what is vital to you, when you take account of what keeps you breathing, what keeps you inspired and smiling. What brings sighs of peace and waters the eyes because you just can’t imagine how you could live your life any other way, what we known as perfect bliss, we usually never really die from it, at least not physically.
The best job you’ve ever had, your beloved one by your side, even offspring or friends, all of these things that you consider vital, are usually really not.

I will not be that literal though because it is quite obvious that we die inside when we lose these things. We die a little bit and we heal, we find a way back to life.
The thing with me though, I could possibly say I have lost a lot. My selfishness, combined with some stupidity and self indulging personality, I have pretty much complicated my life.

I will not get in details right here, for my very few selected circle of readers, the hints of what happened are all over this blog. Describing pain is not fun at all, but it’s really an exercise of healing. Being depressing and dramatic is quite annoying for everyone and it’s annoying for me too. I don’t like myself when I’m depressed, but not knowing where to go makes it all harder.

Anyway, having lost a lot, perhaps not all, I can’t deny how vital to all of this God turns out to be. He promises I will never leave you or forsake you. He says that he will rescue us from fire and water. He has never failed to his word and it doesn’t look like He will, ever. Jesus said, in his usual similes and parables, talking about the natural world but really unveiling the vast mysteries of the spiritual, he teaches: no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins.”

I’ve been one person all my life. Tabula rasa means a tablet, a canvas if you will, that is blank, clean, fresh. I don’t know what God is really doing. If I don’t get accepted to the school then I have no clue what He’s got in mind and I would be even more clueless about what the next step would be, but if I know anything for sure is that I’m not letting go.
I must’ve written somewhere that this time in my life feels more like me being Jacob more than Israel. Fighting with God, not being quite the man I’m supposed to be, lying, cheating, being stupid, stealing. Fighting with God, the Lord of Hosts I am sure wasn’t pleasant or easy at all. Jacob didn’t let go until God decided it was time to end it in a draw, mark him for life so that wherever he was, everyone could see that his walk was different, that his name was different, that he was someone else.

This is a season of a new beginning. Being bruised and injured badly, mostly because of myself, it’s time to rise up and not be afraid.

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You are amazing in every possible way.

I.

Vanessa Carlton – White houses (no, this is not about me or anyone close to me)

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bunk alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day 

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon 

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses 

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last 

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses 

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake 

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses 

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses
In white houses
In white houses

And today’s quotes are…

 I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
Calvin (as in Calvin and Hobbes)

You know how people are. They only recognize greatness (wisdom, good advice I added this) when some authority confirms it.
Calvin (as in Calvin and Hobbes)

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
James

People in love cannot be moved by kindness
And opposition makes them feel like martyrs
Hence

Love ceases to be a demon only when it ceases to be a god
M. Denis de Rougemont

Am I, for instance, just sliding back to God because I know that if there’s any road to H., it runs through Him? But then of course I know perfectly well that He can’t be used as a road. If you’re approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you’re not really approaching Him at all. [...] Lord, are these your real terms? Can I meet H. again only if I learn to love you so much that I don’t care whether I meet her or not? Consider, Lord, how it looks to us. What would anyone think of me if I said to the boys, ‘No toffee now. But when you’ve grown up and don’t really want toffee you shall have as much of if as you choose’? If I knew that to be apart from H. and forgotten by her would add a greater joy and splendour to her being, of course I’d say ‘Fire ahead’. [...]
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer’. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand’.
Now that I think of it, there’s no practical problem before me at all. I know the two great commandments, and I’d better get on with them. Indeed, H.’s death has ended the practical problem. While she was alive I could, in practice, have put her before God; that is, could have done what she wanted instead of what He wanted, if there’s been a conflict. What’s left is not a problem about anything I could do. It’s all about weights of feelings and motives and that sort of thing. it’s a problem I’m setting myself. I don’t believe God set it me at all.
C.S. Lewis

  I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life’s problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don’t you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don’t you think?
Calvin

Math

So I realized something was terribly wrong yesterday. Sometimes in your shift at starbucks you have to have a register. The idea is that at the end of the day your balance is zero. You are supposed to count whatever money came in, then leave 100 dlls cash and 950 pesos ($95)

Sounds simple right? Well, I couldn’t do it. I counted 4 times all the money I had, trying to leave enough change in the 950 for the next register but I just couldn’t. I felt stupid, I realized I’m distracted, burned out, exhausted. At that point I told my supervisor, I just can’t… and I took my hand to my face and she did it for me in 30 seconds.

I can’t focus. I’m getting better though.

Jealous

“I’m jealous that men were created first. Men were the initial importance. The initial want. The initial need of God. Women were created from man for man. Men were created for God”

One of the weirdest arguments I’ve ever had, and at the time I didn’t know how to answer, now I do.

Before anything else was created, God created wisdom. Wisdom is a woman.

Proverbs 8:1 says: 1 Listen as Wisdom calls out!  Hear as understanding raises her voice!  Then after that in verse 22 it says: 22 “The Lord formed me from the beginning, before he created anything else. 23 I was appointed in ages past,
at the very first, before the earth began.

She was there when God created the sea, the stars, the universe and Adam. In Buechner’s words, he says ‘It was as if He needed a woman’s imagination to help him make them, a woman’s eye to tell him if he’s made them right, a woman’s spirit to measure their beauty by.’

Verse 30 says:  30 I was the architect at his side. I was his constant delight, rejoicing always in his presence. 31 And how happy I was with the world he created; how I rejoiced with the human family!

More on Buechner, ‘Wisdom is a matter not only of the mind but of the intuition and heart, like a woman’s wisdom. It is born out of suffering as a woman bears a child. It shows a way through the darkness the way a woman stands at the window holding a lamp. ‘Her ways are ways of pleasantness’ says Solomon, then adding, just in case there should be any lingering question as to her gender, ‘and all her paths are peace.

It’s interesting also that Proverbs, a universally accepted source of wisdom and direction, ends with what makes the design of a woman.

Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

…. 

 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

I tried.